Sunday, April 8, 2012

If everything was perfect in life


Today is Easter, technically spring is over and today is first day of Summer or you can call it as the day of re-incarnation of Christ or start of a new year for many cultures, spread all across the world.

I wonder why I suffer and what is the reason for my grief. I am a loser in all senses, I am not perfect and I never get what I want without struggle. Yet my heart is pure so is my mind. I don't hate anyone, even those who are responsible for my suffering I forgive very easily. I am a perennial loser and also a perennial forgiver.

When I am not well physically and mentally I get lost in thoughts, of a perfect life. A life where friends pick all your calls, nobody is rude to me, days when family is close by to ease my pain. It never happens in my life, so I always drift in thoughts, of my lost forever daughter, far forever Dad, safe in heaven father in law, all the kind people of my life I remember.

When I was 21/22 life looked perfect, I thought I could define my life. I made just one fatal mistake of being eager, in the most important decision of life. I did not know its seriousness, may be I was never in love, but my heart did break at the prospect of complexity of life. Obviously no fool would like me, my confused self induced idealism, but God was watching over me and I found good friends who stood by me, helped me gain my individuality and remain integrated in heart and soul. Unfortunately my Family never understands me , suspect my strength of character and put me in further misery of self-doubt or contempt . Honestly though I am of serious disposition, I am also naive, so no one actually understand much about my feelings, and the reason, why I care about others . So I can say I am unique, obstinate and also transparent.

As I prayed for a soul mate for 2 years, God did answer my call. God himself is my soul mate and this is a fact which I can never deny. I never find a place without God where we are free to commit sins as said in an ancient story. My Husband is alike and together we were bound by fate and love. Neither can tolerate the other's nature, but love binds us. We may seem imperfect, yet we are perfect couple. I wish I knew how to work at being a more presentable couple. But how we look to others is a perfect Sham, in which we carry our hurt egos. Our beautiful first born daughter died right before of eyes, yet we continued to smile for others. We had huge pain and immense grief but we lived for others for about 5 years.

Then God finally blesses us with a Beautiful daughter, as the ultrasound announced her as a girl, my joy was immense. I believed in God always, but having a baby girl again was like dream come true. That was my only wish to God and for 4 years I prayed daily for this miracle. Obviously even this gift came with a package. No one offered enough support, those who came did not come with a great heart, blame game happened further crushing our overburdened hearts.

I was almost insane in grief about the brutality of the world. How inconsiderate people are and how selfish minds can be in their futile wishes of daily life. Live and let live is the code but very few even think of other's pain before their comfort. Or else I would not have ended up in an asylum for mental grievances. But today, the day of Easter I dare to say, We me and my husband are very close to God. His grace I feel on my shoulders as I bow my head and suffer in silence. God almighty is very graceful, he is watching over us and our beautiful daughter who is just 3 months old, but is so precious and so sweet that no pain can make me cry from today.

I have pysicall problems but I shall over come, I have great agony but I shall survive, I feel lonely but I shall win, I might be confused but I shall reign. A Day shall come very soon when the world who laughed and avoided me, shall want to know the key to happiness and I shall over come my problems first before helping others attain happiness. Till that day, silence is my story and type written words are my world.

I can only say one phrase to all sinners of the world " Beware of GOD". And those who dont like this line I shall say " You reap what you sow - so please be God Kind".

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