I am moving ahead

Well lot of people can be like me, never able to move ahead from bad past. I never move forward, I never forget what went wrong. I am full of vivid explanations about how bad I was treated, how mean others have been to me. I feel I am a victim of fate and do not deserve that.

I am angry, hurt and overwhelmed by my emotions. My ultra sensitive personality grips me and does not let me enjoy the life which might be much better if I take it easy. I long to be free from emotions but continue to toil totally in their solid grip as they never let me enjoy a moment of peace or bliss.

I will not say that I am the most unlucky person in the world. Some people might have seen worst. I had good times and I had some night mares. Somehow I do not always remember the good things so much as I remember the worst times I had. I am not content, I am not happy. I waste lot of time thinking about why my life has to be so tough. I ponder so much about the meaning of life so much, that I never realize how time comes and goes. I am slow and sluggish in my actions as I can never get away from the continuous stream of thoughts, to focus on what I am doing.

But slowly the moments of agony are putting some wisdom into me which I feel I should write about. I have realized that not one soul on this earth is totally happy. Some look more fortunate while others are still struggling. We never complain to God when times are favorable to us, on the contrary we sometimes forget to be thankful. But when misfortune strikes in anyway we complain a lot. Why me ? Though this thought haunts me all the time, I must accept, that is the bottom line.

Having said that I will never say that Acceptance is easy. I wish I could accept and there are times when I do accept. There are other times I am so angry and disgusted with my circumstances. Like a coin with two sides, I have black and white sides to my character. I am very good at the same time I am very bad. I have my moments of despair and deep discontent and absolute low self esteem. At times I feel elated at nothing but my own realization that God's creation is so complex and yet so simple. In those moments of realization everything seems all right to me.

But I must do something to seal my happiness in me forever. That is tough and I will have to do many things at the same time. I should blame no one for what I am going through. I should learn to forgive people for their lack of sensitivity towards my situation as they are caught in their own struggle . I should accept that some people do not care as much about me and there will always be some who do not appreciate me. I should just let go and not hold grudges against anyone. My expectations were always at baseline, and I should never have false hopes about people. I have to be more decisive and more sure of what I want from life. I should shut out all the negative thoughts that plague my mind at times. I should have more passion towards life, and more efforts should be put towards making it colorful for myself and the people who love me.

Why am I miserable thinking about those who never seem to be understand me ? So I am leaving them and all that has not been so good in my life. All I should care about is what is good and what can be made good out of what is surely with me. The rest I shall not think about, for there is not so much spare time after having lost a good amount of it in self pity and agony.

So here I am taking a deep breath and moving ahead.

Dream weavers

One thing we humans learn earliest in our lives, actually even before being born is dreaming. So each of us keep dreaming, about something or the other. On a lighter note, they are called dreams but not all of them are products of a sleeping mind. Most of our dreams are our aspirations, about what we want our life to be or rather what we want to in our life.

In the world today there is lot of talk about the power of dreams, and the power of positive thinking. Some believe in it while many may not. But one thing is for sure, that we cannot become someone great without actually visualizing ourselves in that place. That is what is my definition of dream. Sometimes our dreams are complex and sometimes our dreams are just about how we want our day to life to be.

So sad and yet so happy - Being overwhelmed

Has anyone been where I have been ? I am so heartbroken and yet I am overwhelmingly happy. Its so difficult to explain, but I feel both rock bottom and peak high of emotions at the same time.

I have personal sorrows which have taken life out of me, but I can be very happy when I see my friends happy. Ever since I have faced a personal tragedy seeing anyone happy makes me so happy, even though deep down in me there is so much grief.

Why does the pain overtake my heart when I hear some good news, I am not so sure. But one thing is for sure, the pain in me has made me appreciate life even more, I feel the happiness of everyone in me. I feel this strange union with the universe, as if everything in the universe is mine, and so is the joy and sorrow of everyone. I am of this world and everything here is mine only if I have a heart to feel it.

Nature.........its so divine

Today I have been for a doctor appointment, and for getting home I had to take a bus. It was a rainy day with scattered showers the trademark of Seattle. As I walked on the sidewalk I was observing the tiny shrubs and plants which grow there. The greenery was so lush, it was like a miniature forest. There were all sorts of plants, some big and some small. Some plants had flowers on them, so were just so different. These plants are not those which we see in people's gardens, or their pots.

Something made me think what if I have one plant at home in my balcony pot. So I took a moment to bend and reach for one plant. I was careful but not careful enough and it broke loose from its root. Something snapped it me, it made me feel so guilty. I suddenly realized how delicate the nature and its creations are and how one desperate attempt to capture it goes in vain and leads to destruction of life. We humans mostly talk of loss of life in terms of animal life mostly. But I felt how short sighted our approach to life is.

Nature and most of what comprises nature is a symbol of freedom and is so divine. It cannot be copied nor recreated. What might be possible with best of efforts is to just maintain it, and that in itself seems impossible, looking at what modernization has brought into the world. We humans have to bend in humility before nature and its creator as they are far superior and beyond what we can understand or explain. As I look at earth today, I have great fears for our future generations, who might not be able to see the beauty we are now able to see.

In a nutshell we can preserve a forest, but cannot plant one. If we plant it will be a garden not a forest. What God controls is true nature, and what we create is only a poor replica, without its true essence.

Waiting for something or someone

I feel compelled to write about this aspect of me, as I feel there are many people like me out there wondering just like me, why am I like this ?

It is my nature to look for company in whatever I do. May be it is my family, which was a close knit. I had a sister and brother and we were close. We shared our lives well into our twenties, and we did things together like most siblings do. When I started working in a different city my sister was there too, and we were friends too in many ways. Now since life sent us all three in different ways, I look for company always in whatever I do. This is my reasoning for it.

We all have so many things to work on in life. We have to work towards having a better life, career, more money, financial stability, a good home, happier family, our health............this is a never ending list. For somethings we find friends who are in similar situations, and that helps a lot. I always found someone along the way, who were more like me. I attribute whatever success I have got in life to the Good people who came along my path. But for the failures I do blame just myself :)

But as we grow older our lives are different. We have things to work on but do not have as much time to discuss and make a plan. Many insecurities crowd our mind and so do our many responsibilities. We may not find all the time in the world to find friends to work on our goals. But giving up is not the way for achievers. So I feel the way to go is to just make a plan and get to work on it.

I would like to be more organised, I would like to lose some weight, I would like to do more productive things, I would like talk less and work more.......even my personal list is as big as the general list of things which people want to do. But just as I look at this list, and my own motivation to do something towards improving myself, I see that my motivation is very low. I question myself and only reason I see is that I cannot do things alone. I need someone and anyone being present motivates me.

But today I made a plan, which is just for me. I know myself much better than anyone else in the world. I am unbiased about me, and that is the best thing. If I wish to do something doing it alone is not such a bad idea. Just doing things, and getting results motivates people. This attitude is not being selfish. But it is an approach towards being more independent. Its good to have people around, but it is bad to be helpless without someone. So I have decided, time and tide wait for none, so I have to be focussed from now on.

Waiting for someone, or something to come along , a good luck or omen is just a chance factor. Tough as this may sound, I think as we start working towards our goals people will join us. I have never seen people following a person who has not been much of a success. I now never use the word loser as that word in itself is wrong. We can lose one thing, may be two but there is no general loser in the world. And if anyone tries to tell you the same, just ask those people to just get lost. But as we respect ourselves, have greater self esteem and pursue our dreams in a relentless manner we will definitely succeed one day. So there are no two ways about it. Either you want to do or don't want to do things. There is nothing in between, no hurdles as most of them can be excuses we give to calm our minds at war with what we are doing.

So all those who feel disheartened as you don't have someone along your path, don't worry. Just get started and as you go you will see many along the way. You may not know them but they are still there and that is all there is to it.

Someone who laughs at you

Someone who laughs at you

I decided to learn music in my early thirties. It is not the age to start something new, but I think there is no phenomena as an aging mind. Definitely we age physically but I do not feel that decidedly our mental aging matches that of our physical age always. We do get more mature, or rather more dull as we see ourselves as aging people who are slowly loosing few capabilities with age. But what is age, more than a mere number ? No wonder people were living longer when there was no numerology.

Opportunities do not always come at the right time, that is if one believes that there is a right time for things. I knew I love music, I respect art and culture but I was very shy as a young girl. I could not have imagined singing freely before anyone, even my own family. The inhibitions become less dominant as we grow up sometimes and that helps us feel more confident. Also for those who have experience shortage of financial resources in their youth, the later part of youth is definitely is the time to do whatever they could not do when they did not have enough resources.

As we age we have more responsibilities, like kids providing for their growth and education, making our futures secure etc. But age also brings certainty which youth does not have. When you are young you are a dreamer drifting from various colorful dreams of what you want to be. Your efforts or constraints or sometimes destiny takes you to where you are now. But when we are older we see things in a different light. But we can never say that light is rather bright because we lose certain aspects like absolute trust, ability to dream, ability to make true and lasting friendships as we are to busy for some things. But then we can brighten the light, by not letting our mind get under the pressure of age. Let us all say this – Age is just a mere number and nothing.

I have seen many women who are in particular obsessed with age. They always start any new friendship or eventually drift off to knowing the age of the person they are speaking with. But honestly the one who is older definitely would feel one slight pang of embarrassment and the one who is younger feels a slight sense of happiness. But its more the meeting of ideas and matching of frequency as it is called that brings people together. If you wish to experiment you could try getting to know some much older people or much younger people. I particularly like very young kids and seem to understand what is going on in their minds. Also I felt I can relate to those who are much older than me and that is how I sensed what they might be wanting to share with us. I became friendly with a 70 year old lady and in just one meeting she advised to live life completely and never to give up anything you truly wish because of the constraints of the world.

The only things that have helped people achieve results in this world are just dedication and effort and nothing else. So work on your path and stop not, till you reach your goal.

The Good Me and the Bad Me

I have been wondering from long, what exactly is being good ? I mean Good as defined by God, or by the laws of the world, good in the eyes of everyone. I have great doubts about it, and the doubts keep increasing as I grow older. I am unable to see anyone who is good, I mean universally good. Some are good in the sense of religion, some seem to be good in their work, some seem to be good at talking, some at writing, but is there anyone who is really good in all ways ? If there is what is it ? I think and think and come to only one reasonably convincing answer. Being Good is being someone who likes themselves. Because there is no better judge of character than our own conscience and sometimes every one else is biased. But even as it sounds really easy, it is the toughest thing to do, to like ourselves for what we are. I have seen great people who do not like themselves much. Isn't our life too complicated ?

Sometimes we might enjoy when we do something wrong, but then the after effects of such acts are terrible. For example, if someone kills a person out of rage, they might have fulfilled their urge of revenge and for a split of second they might of have liked it, but later on they feel bad, powerless and hate themselves for the rest of their lives. I cannot think of a better way to know to be good, than being and doing what you want to do.

I would like to be fit, healthy and confident. I would like to be polite and loved by my family and friends. I would like to be helpful and courageous. I would like to be capable and self dependent. I would like to be Happy and Blissful. I would like to be kind and generous. I would like to be successful and disciplined. I tried to write this, and despite best efforts to put down something bad, I am not able to put being something bad or doing something bad is something I would like to do. So it sort of looks like I know what I want to do and be. But am I always liking myself. Answer is a resounding NO. It shows that I lack self respect, but respect any of the types can only be commanded. So even respecting myself can come from what I do.

All my life I have been aiming at being that someone whom I can respect. Impeccable respect for myself is a dream hard to fulfill. I have become better in one way and worst in another way. There are things that I want to change about myself. I would like to be more composed, more disciplined and more self dependent . I dont like to feel depressed or finding the daily mundane routine as unbearable torture of existence. And yet exactly what I hate is what I am, at times. I feel powerless caught up in the unwanted acts, unwanted emotions and unwanted circumstances. I run away and escape from them for a while and then suddenly the vices come back in full force and hit me. I fall flat under their burden and take a long time to get back at life.

What is it about us that is Bad and what is it that is good ? If we look at scriptures they have been telling the same things from ages . All major religions preach kindness, pious nature and living in simplicity. That is what all great godly people have told people to do. To kill greed, to kill hatred and bias, to kill the jealousy and wickedness. And yet people following the same religious scriptures have done the most brutal things all the name of religion. So religion might not help a person truly in the quest of being good all they need. They might show a path, but how people interpret it is based on other factors, and what they have been led to believe. There is a path but it is so devious that if we do not tread with light of inner conscience then we might be lost in the jungles of confusion.

We might want to follow some role models. But I think it is very important to concentrate of the good part of them rather than getting confused with the unexplained part. Generally people who are famous are so, because they had something really very good if we are not talking about the notorious. But what I have noted often is how far people go to sabotage the reputation of the great and noble. People write essays on their moral strength, their courage or lack of it, their fidelity or lack of it.

Though great people have been appreciate it mostly came late not early in their lives. That is what confuses me are the standards higher for some than others ? Or is it a world of ever increasing standards which we try to meet but end up in vain as they are too tough to reach.What is good is what people show to the world. There is that other side of you which you never show. I might be jealous of someone, but I will not show it. And yet I may not act out of jealousy. So the thoughts as such are not harmful. So in the highest level most people are good. They don't generally kill others, hurt others or do things to impact others. But when we try to go deeper, each one of us is bad in numerous ways. We dont appreciate others much, we cannot accept easily others prosperity and our own adversity. We know what is good, and yet we do not want to be that good. I have seen many people exclaim in vain “ I AM NO GOD ”. And honestly we do not try hard enough to be GOD and something closer to him or her. I use this sense of gender of God, again in an effort to say that we do not exactly know God's gender. Infact the word gender is a product of mortal world isn't it ?

Personally I feel that going to great lengths to be good is not good. I have seen it in the world. The people who kill others at times are not barbaric but they are just too religious. I feel they are vulnerable sect who just believe someone who is wrong. And yet they kill in the name of God out of the distorted belief that it will please God. Other work too hard to please someone and when that fails they do things which should not be done. Some feel aimless in life, don't know what to do with it and end up taking drugs or succumb to other addictions. Some succumb to jealousy, some to greed , some to despair and some to religion and some to fame. So is it all about losing to something ? May be not, but we must come to terms with what we are. Unless we do that, other ways to be good in the eyes of God or our family or friends or self is tough. And once we do that, we might be able to resolve the complex riddle of life.

Honor it is such a nice word isn't it ? Courage it feels too good to have it. Love it feels like heaven to love and be loved. And yet like the dark side to all these good things come the dark sides of it. People kill women in the name of Honor , people do daring things to prove that they can dare them, people make a mess out of themselves for the sake of Love. The God Almighty wherever he or she is surely too complicated and tough to please. Having one good thing and not succumb to the side effects is the test we humans have to keep giving again and again in life. Why did the God not make it simpler to lead a good life ? As the Vedic wisdom says may be he relishes this game of Good and Bad.

Well its been a long essay writing about Good and Bad. It did come at a cost, at the cost of burnt curry but I hope it does some good to my soul and to the soul of readers. It is very tough to read others thoughts completely and relate to them but whoever is the reader I must thank them. Never to give up on anything is the only lesson we learn in life. We have to struggle to get better each day. We may not get all we want from life and something seemingly easy can defy you all your life, but we have to go on. We have to go on resisting the negative urges and try not to feel them and at least never act on them. I hope we all identify our only God who lies in our soul in our conscience constantly telling us what is good and bad. If there is God I cannot see where else he can be than the hearts of the subjects.

If I have been bad in life and unable to love myself that is mostly when I do not feel the love of my creator. We lose the signal and that is when we do blunders, but once we get the signal back we will do fine. So let me end with 3 cheers to the creator and our conscience.

Happiness

HAPPINESS

A horrible thing happened one fateful day and I thought that it surely would be the end of my life. I could never be the same again. I thought “I am never going to be happy again. I will never be hopeful of anything”. As I could not see what good that incident brought about in my life, I felt victimized. Often people have this feeling when in deep trouble, as if the whole world is going against them. I lived in that pits of darkness for a few days, and was very sure that the rest of my days will be same gloomy ones.

But then I saw a bright sunny day, nature being in its full bloom, and then I thought life does not really seem that bad. I took a deep breath trying to ignore the past, and then I thought I feel better but I will never be the same happy person once again. But my life still has something to it. That was my first step. Then came another day when I watched a very good movie, full of life all good things that it give a person, I thought Life must be good for some people at least. I was sure that some people were meant to be lucky and so they were happy.

Days went by very slowly as I painfully tucked myself in that little shell of self imposed exile. I was not able to relate to anything happy, is what I thought. Then a good friend came by, she with her pretty smile, and I started enjoying talking to that one person. Something about her cheerfulness has left a mark on me. Obviously she did leave some part of her smile in me. I started doing things which I never thought were important for being happy and I realized, I was still alive inside. Just as all the trees that wither totally in rough weather and then bloom again when spring arrives, I was not dead. I realized that I could be happy too.

One thing led to another one, and slowly I got back to life. I was having hopes, I was making up plans in my own small way to live a happy life. This time I made sure that my plans were not great ones which looked at long term prospects, or those which were key to happiness as defined by the world. They were my own unique ways of leading a happy life. I did not feel the need to check their meaning in the dictionary of the world. I just knew one thing – I can be Happy.

I wondered then, for days “how could I be happy ? Hell broke loose on me and how could I still be happy ?” Then a sudden flash of realization came to my mind. Happiness is not based on the incidents that occur in our lives, but rather happiness is a state of mind. Happiness is our ability to enjoy simple pleasures of live. It might be a nice cup of coffee on a chilly morning, a never ending conversation with a long lost friend, or a breath taking view which captures your mind. That moment when you are experiencing it, that moment when you are happy, you are not thinking of all the troubles of your life. You are just a person in bliss. There is no past or future to that moment of bliss. One does not have to tag every single thing that happens with a tag of past or future. A true happy person only lives in the present. That is the only thing, that we know and are absolutely sure of.

Let me give a simple example, you can approach any person in the world and ask them if they are really happy in life and I am sure they will start thinking. It is taken as a very deep question because in fact it is a wrong question. Even the richest, most powerful and most beautiful ones will think a lot to answer that question about Happiness of Life. They think so much, because no one can be absolutely sure about that answer. But you ask someone going on a pleasure ride and ask them “ Are you happy now, at this moment ?” They will say that they are. So being happy about those small things which happen each day is more important than defining happiness of your life by those big things that we think are important for a Happy Life.