Well lot of people can be like me, never able to move ahead from bad past. I never move forward, I never forget what went wrong. I am full of vivid explanations about how bad I was treated, how mean others have been to me. I feel I am a victim of fate and do not deserve that.
I am angry, hurt and overwhelmed by my emotions. My ultra sensitive personality grips me and does not let me enjoy the life which might be much better if I take it easy. I long to be free from emotions but continue to toil totally in their solid grip as they never let me enjoy a moment of peace or bliss.
I will not say that I am the most unlucky person in the world. Some people might have seen worst. I had good times and I had some night mares. Somehow I do not always remember the good things so much as I remember the worst times I had. I am not content, I am not happy. I waste lot of time thinking about why my life has to be so tough. I ponder so much about the meaning of life so much, that I never realize how time comes and goes. I am slow and sluggish in my actions as I can never get away from the continuous stream of thoughts, to focus on what I am doing.
But slowly the moments of agony are putting some wisdom into me which I feel I should write about. I have realized that not one soul on this earth is totally happy. Some look more fortunate while others are still struggling. We never complain to God when times are favorable to us, on the contrary we sometimes forget to be thankful. But when misfortune strikes in anyway we complain a lot. Why me ? Though this thought haunts me all the time, I must accept, that is the bottom line.
Having said that I will never say that Acceptance is easy. I wish I could accept and there are times when I do accept. There are other times I am so angry and disgusted with my circumstances. Like a coin with two sides, I have black and white sides to my character. I am very good at the same time I am very bad. I have my moments of despair and deep discontent and absolute low self esteem. At times I feel elated at nothing but my own realization that God's creation is so complex and yet so simple. In those moments of realization everything seems all right to me.
But I must do something to seal my happiness in me forever. That is tough and I will have to do many things at the same time. I should blame no one for what I am going through. I should learn to forgive people for their lack of sensitivity towards my situation as they are caught in their own struggle . I should accept that some people do not care as much about me and there will always be some who do not appreciate me. I should just let go and not hold grudges against anyone. My expectations were always at baseline, and I should never have false hopes about people. I have to be more decisive and more sure of what I want from life. I should shut out all the negative thoughts that plague my mind at times. I should have more passion towards life, and more efforts should be put towards making it colorful for myself and the people who love me.
Why am I miserable thinking about those who never seem to be understand me ? So I am leaving them and all that has not been so good in my life. All I should care about is what is good and what can be made good out of what is surely with me. The rest I shall not think about, for there is not so much spare time after having lost a good amount of it in self pity and agony.
So here I am taking a deep breath and moving ahead.
